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Legion Original Mix Emperor. Tric City Original Mix Data 3. Even if I am not sleeping, I cannot get out of bed. I cannot focus on my work. I Do not feel like going out of the room. Everything becomes jeopardised.

It therefore changes my usual behaviour. It changes relationships with friends, parents, siblings and others. It changes perspectives in general. Again, it of course comes with revelation and certain epiphanies with a few streams of misunderstanding and misjudgment. That, however, is not deliberate.

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Rather, it is a very organic process of fixing certain wounds in life. I do stop caring about all but my thought process. I try to take a deeper look into the events that took place and I did not understand them clearly back then. I try to emphasise on particular words from a certain meeting, and I see that their meanings have changed. I dive into the past and read the exact lines with a better understanding.

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That is satisfying and at the same time, tormenting. Satisfying because finally I came to understand certain things in a certain manner I was supposed to understand earlier. Often, everything feels worthless. Everything feels empty. And it makes me cynical. This does not help anyway.

Beneath the Light

Rather, it is self-deluding. It rather creates annoyance and disgust when I am already having feelings of revulsion. But maybe that is how I process it. Conscious and conscience hardly work on those days. What do I do when I feel devastated? No, I do not feel like dying or hurting myself.

I rather feel like slaughtering others. For me, walking alone is one of the solutions. The kind of solace it gives me — I found it nowhere and with no one. I forget about my own existence. I start working harder. Always busy with work and deadlines.

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These days of hard work keep me breathing. I sometime doodle or play with colours in canvas. It engages me in a manner that keeps me focused. And maybe that is why I write. To get out of the pressure of feeling heavy. I do not overthink about myself. I do not overthink about what happened, what will happen, and why this or that happened. I now call it the process of healing. If no one understands this without an explanation of my situation, I do not even bother myself. The attachment is not something I feel on those days. I feel free when I am alone.